The husband and I had a big fight today. You know the kind. You’re crying. He’s angry and feeling like a super jerk, but can’t quite pull his head out of his ass because he has valid points, but you’re still crying because your feelings are deeply hurt. Yeah, we’ve all been there. It feels like hell and all you really want to do is commiserate with someone who knows how much pain you are feeling when Prince Charming turns back into a toad.
So, Mister Toad Charming was being an über jerk today. It happens. He’s male. He gets his bastard/asshole/jackass or whatever you call it moments because that allows me my bitch moments. However, there is a point where they cross the line from be allowed their male PMS to just being a total and complete bastard and you need to call them on it. There were tears. He explains his POV, but I still felt as if he’d not heard or validated my feeling in the matter, so the fight spiraled out until we were just plain miserable.
I took a cigarette break. (Nope, still haven’t kicked that habit yet) and while I was puttering around on my computer, my boss called. (He’s not really my boss, but for lack of a better term that doesn’t require it’s own post, we’ll just call him that.) I was supposed to get something done today, and totally forgot to get it done because I was fighting with Toad Charming. He asked if everything was OK and I dutifully broke down into tears and told him no, everything was NOT OK and that I had somehow managed to marry a bastard. He’s a friend to both of us, and to his MAJOR credit, he very calmly, but firmly reminded me of all the things Dear Toad Charming is going through, from heart problems, to a broken foot that won’t heal, elbow problems (Ones he’s already had surgery on) and carpal tunnel troubles. Then he consoled me about the fight, because he understood those could be upsetting, but that it was going to be OK because Toad Charming DOES love me and I DO love him.
I’ve done the same exact thing to a writing cohort of mine on numerous occasions when she’s had trouble in paradise, and to my utter and total bemused amazement, I almost instantly felt better. At least to the point where Toad Charming was at least a prince again. After I felt better, I then felt guilty because I wasn’t being considerate of the husband’s feelings, but, well, we worked that out after I got done with what I needed to do, and then helped the boss man get a little more work done while he distracted me for a bit.
So, what is the proper etiquette when you’re married friends are fighting? Don’t automatically agree the “offending” party is a Jerk/Jackass/Bitch/Bastard (whatever term applies) give the party you are speaking to an accurate assessment of what’s really happening. Validate the “injured” party’s feelings, but don’t let them get away with partner bashing. Men are not all evil and Women aren’t all infallible goddesses. Women are not all evil and Men aren’t all infallible gods. We just are what we are and it was wonderful to have someone remind me of that when all I wanted to do was cry to someone about how horrible my husband was.
In the end, the husband and I made up. We understand what the issues are [now] and how to work with them and around them until they can be fully resolved. The next time Prince Charming turns into a toad, I know who I am calling—and it’s not one of my girl friends. It’s the man who understands the proper etiquette for when you’re married friends are fighting.
